Christmas light bulbs, Christmas ornaments, Christmas stockings, and tinsel from the Christmas tree are not food.

I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -10 F.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get into a fight with the bigger dog next door, making my human have to call the vet's at Christmas.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

I will not pee on the Christmas tree.

I will not steal the neighbor's Christmas light bulbs.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.